im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
