Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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