i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
