I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
