I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
