My room smells like vodka and shame
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
