I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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