spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
