Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
