broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
