Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
this will be a night to untag.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
