And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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