I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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