How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
