Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
