Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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