best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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