I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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