You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
