I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
