just come out here and I will go home with you...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
