final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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