This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
