Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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