I met the friendliest cop last night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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