He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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