Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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