Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
