Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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