So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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