You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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