His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
