I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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