i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
