I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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