After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can you bring me the toilet please
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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