You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
