Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
