I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
