Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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