You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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