She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
