her vagine was all disorganized.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
