here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
