I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
