how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
