I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
