my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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