I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
