She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
